Chaos vs. Freedom

"They say we “fall in love”, because, in essence, that is what we do. Love isn’t..."

Sat, 02 Jul 2011 16:03:31 -0400

“They say we “fall in love”, because, in essence, that is what we do. Love isn’t based on desperation, novelty, or immediate physical attraction. It’s something that we grow into.”

"he is still a beautiful, fucked up part of my past."

Thu, 30 Jun 2011 19:13:54 -0400

“he is still a beautiful, fucked up part of my past.”

<3

Sun, 26 Jun 2011 09:29:40 -0400

Last night I didn’t know how to start on my drawing for the longest time. I had artist’s block, or just a fear of messing up. Then, when I was moving stuff around I accidentally spilled a bit of paint onto my blank mat board. Immediately I dropped everything, including my conversation with the guy I somewhat like, picked up a brush, and went at it for six hours, nonstop.

I can't talk to you...

Sat, 25 Jun 2011 15:21:00 -0400

Because you can’t talk to me. What is this? We spend hours together in near-silence. I have to prompt you to speak but don’t respond or seem to give a shit. Whenever I’m around you, I feel stupid as fuck, and a part of the reason is that I do tend to act playful around you, because I want to break your shell, I want to get to know you. But you don’t tell me anything, you make no effort to connect with me. And yet you tell all your friends you’re “into” me? Do you know how friendships or relationships are formed? They’re built on shared experiences, on trust, on communication. I’m not gonna want to be with you if you fucking tell everyone everything and tell me nothing. I’m not a target. I’m your friend. But at the same time I’m so tired of guys who play games with me. Fuck the roses and chocolate and show me who you really are, because at the end of the day, it’s all or nothing.

Platonic?

Wed, 22 Jun 2011 20:22:00 -0400

I wish we could be friends. Then you’d tell me all your secrets. And I won’t judge. And we could be comfortable with each other. And there would be no pressure.

I don’t know what you are to me.

"It was all a lie. The conversations, the memories, the love letters. What am I going to do with..."

Wed, 15 Jun 2011 21:55:00 -0400

“It was all a lie. The conversations, the memories, the love letters. What am I going to do with them?”

Weird

Sun, 12 Jun 2011 13:13:42 -0400

Last night when a friend of mine went to sleep, he left me with strangely bitter feelings. Why did I think he had insulted me when he didn’t? The emotions came from my mind. It felt like a slap in the face, that I showed him something so personal and he responded with a a few watered-down statements. Showing someone a piece of work you’re proud of and having them say “It’s good” or “It’s pretty” is like telling someone “I love you” and having them say “Okay.” So I decided to sleep as well, thinking that he was too dense to understand anyway. But then he came back a few minutes later to mollify me… even though I never explicitly told him why I was disappointed. It was so weird because I didn’t even think he would notice, but he said he did from the tone of my voice. Then he stayed to give me a few words of encouragement, and that’s when I began to feel a little scared, because he, unlike all the other little boys I once knew and loved, actually tried to give a damn about me. And it’s frightening, so I do what I do best. I back away.

"You guys make me so happy. Thanks for being in my life. Glad I met you all :)"

Sat, 28 May 2011 22:59:34 -0400

“You guys make me so happy. Thanks for being in my life. Glad I met you all :)”

Project Log 2

Sun, 22 May 2011 02:38:00 -0400

05.21.11

Went to Mind Games to look at plasma balls. Saw these plasma sound-activated lightning plates (ugh why must they be flat) and some novelty butterfly in a jar toy.

Ideas: LED Throwies. Fiber-optic star ceiling. Fairy lights. Luminglas.

Edit: Crackle tubes! But they cost a shitload. But I’m getting closer with each day.

Project Log

Fri, 20 May 2011 21:37:45 -0400

05.19.11 - Purchased materials- Assembled product (test one)
05.10.11- Left product on window ledge for a day. It works!
Observations:- Light is a little dim. Container too big. Frosting with sandpaper takes too long.- Home Depot is HUGE.
Next steps: - Acquire yellow light, purchase glass frosting spray.

The Ice Bulb - Youtube Video

Fri, 20 May 2011 21:33:18 -0400

The Ice Bulb - Youtube Video:

Want to make this.

Catch a Falling Star

Mon, 16 May 2011 02:17:00 -0400

We’re playing a game. The game is to come up with several “impossible tasks” and present them to each other as gifts. It’s a friendly competition. Rather challenging. Not many would be foolish or idealistic enough to play along with me. I’m still a kid at heart, so the first thing I tell him to do is “Catch me a shooting star”. Lame, I know, but it’s my nature to test people. After all, Number Two broke his promise of taking me to watch shooting stars last summer. I am never going to forget listening to his voice over the phone as he described the cliffs and the night sky for me in such vivid detail. Number Three bought me a star that he promised we would name together. So much for that. We haven’t spoken in months; I doubt we will ever speak again. That’s how life goes. Everything begins with the fun and games. Everybody likes the chase, nobody likes the catch.

Mom: Why don't you finish this painting?

Sat, 14 May 2011 23:22:08 -0400

Mom: Why don't you finish this painting?
Me: Because I was high when I painted that.
Mom: What does "high" mean?
Me: Nothing.
Mom: Then why don't you finish this painting?
Me: Because I'm not high.

Sigh.

Mon, 09 May 2011 12:10:00 -0400

We are on the phone. My friend goes awfully quiet for a second. Tentatively, she asks, “Do you like him?” I don’t know what to say so I tell her no. I don’t add, “At least not anymore.” Sometimes I don’t understand why I take the time to try to figure out a guy when the all they ever have to do is look pretty and get trashed.

"I’m not sure what happened during the battle, but I’m glad we found each other in the..."

Mon, 09 May 2011 01:42:00 -0400

“I’m not sure what happened during the battle, but I’m glad we found each other in the fallout.”

The Morning After

Sun, 08 May 2011 22:24:00 -0400

My brothers took me out to Starbucks then to DQ for ice cream (that was not their intention, but nonetheless it helped ease my distress over some personal issues). One of these days I might not be able to count how many times they’ve gone out of their way to comfort me. Then my “sister” came over to visit and drop off gifts. And after that something small made me incredibly happy. I can’t explain it. Not even on here. But my self-esteem rose up a notch, just a little.

Poorly written but I can’t think straight :)

"Alcohol. Food. Guys. Girls. Gifts. And you were the only thing that kept me entertained."

Sun, 08 May 2011 02:51:00 -0400

“Alcohol. Food. Guys. Girls. Gifts. And you were the only thing that kept me entertained.”

- Too bad you remind me so much of Whatshisface.

Night

Sun, 08 May 2011 02:11:00 -0400

“I’m so sorry you had to be the one to see this.” And with that, the girl leans on her friend’s shoulder and cries. The lights are dim, the room nearly empty. There is almost no trace of life. Finally, after forcing the last people out the door, she is able to pour her heart out to him. She admits to feeling a tinge of jealousy upon seeing her best friend flirt drunkenly with some boy. The feeling didn’t seem to be validated with a legitimate reason, but then again, emotions are rarely justifiable. Nonetheless, her hostility towards the boy in the end was obvious. The girl tells her friend how insignificant she felt when everyone gathered in clusters to tend to the inebriated, but that she understood it was completely necessary and that she is glad some people retained an ounce of common sense. But above all, for naturally selfish reasons, she confesses to her friend that she had spent nearly all day getting ready, thinking it was an opportunity to shine (for once), where in reality everyone simply used it as a vessel for their own means. That was expected, she says. But she didn’t think that it would end so the way it did.

“There will be better times,” her friend says calmly. He looks at her, and she does not question his sincerity for a moment. It takes some time before she wipes her tears dry, but she does. Then he gathers her belongings and they leave together.

"At my workplace, the guys would cut ninja stars out of matboards and throw them across the street."

Sat, 07 May 2011 00:50:22 -0400

“At my workplace, the guys would cut ninja stars out of matboards and throw them across the street.”

- I have the best job ever.

"If I had an airbrush kit, I would do so many awesome things."

Tue, 03 May 2011 19:54:00 -0400

“If I had an airbrush kit, I would do so many awesome things.”