They say we “fall in love”, because, in essence, that is what we do. Love isn’t based on desperation, novelty, or immediate physical attraction. It’s something that we grow into.
Last night I didn’t know how to start on my drawing for the longest time. I had artist’s block, or just a fear of messing up. Then, when I was moving stuff around I accidentally spilled a bit of paint onto my blank mat board. Immediately I dropped everything, including my conversation with the guy I somewhat like, picked up a brush, and went at it for six hours, nonstop.
Because you can’t talk to me. What is this? We spend hours together in near-silence. I have to prompt you to speak but don’t respond or seem to give a shit. Whenever I’m around you, I feel stupid as fuck, and a part of the reason is that I do tend to act playful around you, because I want to break your shell, I want to get to know you. But you don’t tell me anything, you make no effort to connect with me. And yet you tell all your friends you’re “into” me? Do you know how friendships or relationships are formed? They’re built on shared experiences, on trust, on communication. I’m not gonna want to be with you if you fucking tell everyone everything and tell me nothing. I’m not a target. I’m your friend. But at the same time I’m so tired of guys who play games with me. Fuck the roses and chocolate and show me who you really are, because at the end of the day, it’s all or nothing.
I wish we could be friends. Then you’d tell me all your secrets. And I won’t judge. And we could be comfortable with each other. And there would be no pressure.
I don’t know what you are to me.
It was all a lie. The conversations, the memories, the love letters. What am I going to do with them?
Last night when a friend of mine went to sleep, he left me with strangely bitter feelings. Why did I think he had insulted me when he didn’t? The emotions came from my mind. It felt like a slap in the face, that I showed him something so personal and he responded with a a few watered-down statements. Showing someone a piece of work you’re proud of and having them say “It’s good” or “It’s pretty” is like telling someone “I love you” and having them say “Okay.” So I decided to sleep as well, thinking that he was too dense to understand anyway. But then he came back a few minutes later to mollify me… even though I never explicitly told him why I was disappointed. It was so weird because I didn’t even think he would notice, but he said he did from the tone of my voice. Then he stayed to give me a few words of encouragement, and that’s when I began to feel a little scared, because he, unlike all the other little boys I once knew and loved, actually tried to give a damn about me. And it’s frightening, so I do what I do best. I back away.
You guys make me so happy. Thanks for being in my life. Glad I met you all :)
Went to Mind Games to look at plasma balls. Saw these plasma sound-activated lightning plates (ugh why must they be flat) and some novelty butterfly in a jar toy.
Ideas: LED Throwies. Fiber-optic star ceiling. Fairy lights. Luminglas.
Edit: Crackle tubes! But they cost a shitload. But I’m getting closer with each day.
05.19.11 - Purchased materials- Assembled product (test one)
05.10.11- Left product on window ledge for a day. It works!
Observations:- Light is a little dim. Container too big. Frosting with sandpaper takes too long.- Home Depot is HUGE.
Next steps: - Acquire yellow light, purchase glass frosting spray.